The Fake Black Rock Manifesto

Handed down by Big Reg of Okayplayer, where it has struck quite a chord. I was unaware of this trend as I avoid all places where hipsters congregate, but apparently it is epidemic? What sayest thou, is his gripe legit or is he just hating?

Friends don't let friends 'Black Rock'

We all have that friend.

First, they started growing out their hair, invested buying a sh*tty casio keyboard and recorded fake demos with the worst neo soul had to offer. They quit after acute incense poisoning.

Perhaps they went through their mcing phase, where their fifteen year old cousin made them fisher price beats that they claimed they couldn’t find a market because they were too real, but couldn’t find a beat if it was broadcasted in Braille.

Maybe they changed their name to Orange Moon Flower Asata Mandingo X, started writing poetry LIKE….this to be HEARD…on the localpoetryslam CAFÉ, to LET out all the POEMS theyhadabouthow GOOD their VAGINA or PENIS tastes…..*twenty second pause for inflection*

Anyway, when you go visit your want to be artist friend and there’s an Afropunk sticker on his door.. You see a Fishbone cd where you didn’t see one before. And they have a brand new Fender Stratocaster in the corner of the room.

Please, break that sh*t. Snip the strings,, scratch up the pickups, piss on their amp.

I remember back when there was a heavy stigma involved in being black and liking rock music. It still exists today, but it seems that for many it’s a badge of coolness. Considering the current crap I ve been forced to listen to, I wonder if kids getting clowned for having a Nirvana tape was a bad thing.

Today, after stumbling on the last straw of this current black rock bandwagon on myspace by one of our very own OKP, I ask you to stop the madness.

It’s a horrible assault to mankinds ears. It doesn’t rock in a Metallica way, it doesn’t rock in a Nirvana way, it doesn’t rock in a Matchbox 20 way, hell, it doesn’t hold a candle to Kelly Clarkson.

Who could I blame? Saul? Pharell? Ive got no clue.

Stop rap-rocking. Stop playing horrible ska. Stop with the two chord attack, the horrible drum programming (you should really be ashamed of this one considering your hip-hop backgrounds) the god awful pseudo angry hooks. Stop prancing around in a f**ked up hairfro cut thinking your PJ Harvey. Stop not claiming hip-hop because you think it gives you cred. You f**king suck.

Afkap has raged long and hard about how current rock music can hardly be called black music. And while I disagreed at the time, you f**ks aren’t helping the argument. At least buy a rock cd before attempting to tackle the genre. The funny thing is, to make halfway decent rock music you don’t necessarily need ‘chops’. Name all the good modern rock singers. Exactly. Name the last interesting riff you heard? EXACTLY. But it does take an understanding of what makes good rock music, and what doesn’t. None of us can explain what hip-hop is, but we all damn well know when we hear it. Doesn’t take a genius.

Which apparently most of you Johnny Come Lately’s don’t have.

Luckily, most of you suck enough that you won’t make too much of a buzz above ground. But, for the sake of the Fishbones, the Living Colors, the 24-7 Spyz, goddamned Bad Brains who struggled for years to apparently have the path they laid out for be filled in by no frills artists trying the current cool genre, have mercy. For fans of all music, please stop being artists period. Go back to your corporate jobs, your college classes, smoke a bowl and watch Wonder Showzen and realize while your ambition is big, your talent is nil.

The madness must stop.