A (Sad) New Chapter in Blog History

Last week I jokingly acted like I wanted beef with another blog across town, namely Tiny Lucky Genius AKA the Unicorn's Tear hosted by Chicago's own Jessica Hopper. I was totally totally kidding, she seems mad cool and probably able to have me killed.

But I've always thought it would be fun if us bloggers had "blog beef", and made blog dis records about each other like all the cool rap stars do. The problem, of course, is where would we find a loser with enough free time on his hands to actually write and record a song about somebody else's blog?

As you have probably guessed by now, I am that loser. And since last week's tomfoolery gave me inspiration, I now present to you the world's first blog dis record, "I Know Why The Unicorn Cries."

Download the MP3 here, then read along below!

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I Know Why the Unicorn Cries
(beat courtesy of Vast Aire's "Look Mom No Hands", additional samples added by Jay Smooth in Cool Edit Pro)

PRIMO-STYLE COLLAGE INTRO

FIRST VERSE, STARTING WITH OBLIGATORY BIGGIE REFERENCE:

first things first, Ms. Hopper: ha ha, you're funny
amusing - but your emo ego is due for bruising tonight
cuz we're never losing a fight
we keep it tight, featured site up at movable type
I fill suckaz all over the blogosphere with dread
walk mean streets these geeks fear to tread
but every now and then I hear footsteps behind me
another small timer like yourself getting grimy
tiny.abstract about to catch a clapback
next time you post about me, watch your trackback
cuz I'm about to ping you with the real
when a unicorn cries tell me how does it feel?

CHORUS:

punk unicorn!
from your eye drops a tear!
sucka unicorn!
from your eye drops a tear!

REPEAT

SECOND VERSE:

you think your tiny sucky blog makin me feel fear?
I get more hits in a week than you get all year
you cry a tear cuz you're jealous about my fame
talk a good one but never call me out by name
it's just a shame, I dunno why you think that you could reckon with me
I represent New York, you're in the second city
small time dropping small thoughts for small minds
up against THE GREATEST HIP-HOP BLOG OF ALL TIME!? (portentous echo)
you better call time like chris webber
cuz it only gets better when this veteran gets clever and spits
i'm severin arteries mercy has never been part of me
so if you ask me to i'll enjoy thrashing you heartily in every post I make
roasting fakes you and your team are artificial
like the cream in the middle of hostess cakes
and that makes a tasty meal
so when i eat a unicorn tell me how does it feel?

CHORUS

FADE OUT
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Just to reiterate, in case the inherent absurdity is not obvious, I did this strictly for the sake of being silly and I have no quarrel whatsoever with tinyluckygenius (please don't hurt me). But, if any of you want beef, y'all know where to find me! There's plenty more where this came from.